The stove is on fire, the Kings are going to kill me, and Ed Werder is trippin

Over the past week, rumors have abounded that the Kings will pass on Luka Doncic, the most accomplished European prospect ever with the skillset tailor-made for the modern NBA, for one of the two following prospects: Marvin Bagley III, who plays defense like he’s a more athletic Jahlil Okafor (meaning NOT GOOD AT ALL) and Michael Porter Jr., who had to cancel a private workout showcase because of crippling back and hip pain that kept him in bed.

Before Porter Jr.’s back injury was revealed, he was reported as a potential No.1 pick due to his scoring prowess. Then, in his first game for Missouri, he pulled himself out, underwent back surgery, revealed that he hurt himself in 10th grade, and refused to give medical info to the NBA combine.

Luka Doncic led a team of grown-ass men in the second-best basketball league in the world to a championship and won MVP at 19.

Marvin Bagley III was part of a defensive team so bad, Coach K had to switch to a zone defense for the first time ever.

Luka Doncic is leading his team to a deep playoff run in a different league RIGHT NOW and put up 20 points, nine rebounds, three assists, and two turnovers in his most recent game as of this writing, all in 25 minutes.

But Doncic didn’t workout against a chair or an empty gym, like Porter Jr. and Bagley did.

All of this leads me to believe the Kings are going to fuck this up. It sounds like they have already made the Porter pick, but they’re desperately seeking validation for it from medical pros to justify it. Jaren Jackson Jr. is the only non-Doncic pick I personally want, but he hasn’t even been linked to the team. Of course, I could be wrong and this could all be a smokescreen, or it could turn out that whatever pick they make, that isn’t Doncic, still turns out great. Problem is, based on the information we have now, with Bagley’s weaknesses and Porter Jr.’s trick back, seems like the Kings are just passing on the obvious choice.

The draft is only three days away and I am literally dying with anxiety about it (and other things) (and about the inexorable creep of Satan’s grasp).

Kawhi Gone

Kawhi Leonard is out and we have some solid information as to why but a whole of questions about as to where. Reportedly, the relationship has been frayed beyond all reconciliation. Pop throwing his group under the bus didn’t seem to sit well with Kawhi. Or with his group.

Who is actually pulling the strings here? Is it Kawhi Leonard? Is it this enigmatic Uncle who clearly has some weird power over him according to this ESPN piece? Kawhi never talks so we can’t really get it from his mouth, but it’s reasonable to believe that he didn’t actually want to be the Next Duncan, as he was so commonly christened, because he’s a different human being. Maybe all those jokes about him being a basketball robot that Gregg Popovich built in a lab didn’t sit well with him. Maybe he saw them handing out huge contracts to Pau Gasol while Chris Paul and Lebron James were each one summer away from free agency and thought they had lost their damn minds (my current favorite conspiracy theory).

My confusion comes from the reports about his preferred destination and reports about how he feels about money and fame. As it is every fucking year with the best name on the market, Kawhi is rumored to want to go the Lakers, that illustrious franchise that has no real operative difference from the Sacramento Kings, except for the fact that it is located in Los Angeles. But Kawhi also apparently doesn’t care about money as much as most, which is why he’s leaving $70 million on the table. But he, or his camp, were upset at the small deal he had with Jordan Brand. He also was last heard driving a ’97 chevrolet and using coupons ( ). This all paints a contradictory portrait of a man who prefers to remain low-key but also yearns for the league’s most illustrious franchise in a city of celebrities.

Or maybe he’s not the one leaking rumors to press and stonewalling the Spurs organization. Maybe money isn’t that much of a concern to him. We don’t know. I sure as hell don’t. But I do suspect that Kawhi has taken a backseat to the rest of this process, if only because going to the Lakers isn’t a basketball decision, it’s a business decision.

And did you read in that ESPN piece about all those businesses his Uncle has going on?

The offseason has begun and it is already burning our retinas.


Ed Werder wyd, bro?

Add ESPN’s Ed Werder to the list of “white dudes mad that white dudes don’t get enough love.” Eddie misinterpreted a tweet by Charlotte Wilder of SI when she advocated for people to apply for a job at her outlet “especially if you’re a woman trying to get into sports.” Werder, outing himself as a moron, took that as saying “So men need not apply?”

She didn’t say “IF YOU’RE A WOMAN,” she said “especially,” because sports journalism is a heavily male-dominated industry and sports fandom is full of toxic men and boys (and Britt McHenry’s stupid ass) and that maybe women need a little extra encouragement to get in on the game. But no, Eddy chose to get BIG MAD. She didn’t even exclude anyone with her language. Edwerd is a writer, right? He knows what words mean, doesn’t he?

Anyway, ICE and the HHS are intentionally splitting kids up at the border from their parents who just want them to have a better life in America as a matter of policy. This country isn’t Rome, it’s more like Nazi Germany. Tell your reps to cut this shit out if they have any fucking guts.

Good night and good luck.

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